Confession of a spiritual seeker. – Neo Van de Velde

Confession of a spiritual seeker.

For many many years I was searching.
For as many years I was fighting against dogma’s others tried to impose onto me.
I did my spiritual shopping and bought books, CD’s, DVD’s, followed workshops, etc.
For years I tried to change others by telling them my ‘truth’, my idea’s, my believes and visions.
It was a long way of falling and standing back up, of discrimination and seclusion.
My deep down true self came up to the surface slow but once it saw the surface it was there to stay.
The seeker was back once again. This time not trying to prove anything.
I now walked a somewhat different journey, being an observer, witnessing the world around in all its fragments without judgements.
Old believes, even already passed these called ‘new-age’ thinking, started to crumble.
Some where replaced by new believes, others just faded away.
I didn’t try anything anymore, nothing forced, but was open to new ways of seeing, observing, experiencing.
No ‘have to’ anymore, no pre termed guidelines.
I met great teachers who maybe are more ‘smart’, more open and free then the ‘new-age’ guru’s and so proclaimed (by the media) best seller writers, teachers, coaches, …
Now I know everyone I meet can be a teacher.
I always loved nature and when I needed to get my thoughts straightened or needed to relax I went for walks into nature. Walking became my number one meditation.
Being in nature, connecting with nature in silence is my temple.

What does it even means to be a spiritual seeker ?!
When did we start to speek about ‘spirituality’ as such ?
After so many years of having being part of that so called ‘new-age’ movement I started to notice and understand nobody really knew the whole story, nor the reason why they were where they where, doing what they did.
So much information and even more mis-information. Self proclaimed guru’s, teachers and others put on a pedestal by the media or trying to make some good (big) money by jumping and riding this ‘spirituality’ movement.
(Don’t take me wrong, I don’t blame anyone ! Just look for yourself and make up your own mind (feeling) about it.)
That was the day I walked out the back door of the so called movie theater of Plato’s cave and walked away. No more rules or dogma’s about ‘spirituality’ !

I had my ‘walk-about’. I travelled to many places and I had many long periods during which I didn’t connect or even talked to anyone for several months at a time and I learned what it is is to be by yourself.

These last few years I struggled (big word) to connect some dots of different theories and believes. Things that didn’t make any sense to me at first.
And even now there are idea that bring up that trying to connect all to the same source and let it fit. And with that, again, old things fall apart and call for a new way of thinking, accepting.
I sure don’t pretend I know it or even less understand it all, NO not at all !
What I do know is that nothing is set in stone and to be open to all possibilities.

We all feel a quest for meaning, a reason for the self to be.
Who am I, where do I come from, why am I here ?
We invented a lot of different ways to try to satisfy our hunger for those answers.

From there came religion, organized religion, rituals, meditation, spirituality, …
Also with that came manipulation, brainwashing, control, power, ego, greed, …

Some may find satisfaction for themselves in one or an other tool.
But none of all this really ever brought the totality of true pure knowing and being.
Anyway not that we know of.

If there was, a system, a course or workshop to follow, a way to get to what is then so called ‘enlightenment’ that does give real verifiable results, don’t you think we all would go for it !?
Did you actually meet and spoke with someone who reached that level of awareness ?

Yes, I also did walk the so called new-age spiritual path for many years. But I think I honestly can say I never contributed into it in the traditional ego way as so many (most) did/do.
At one point I had my practice to help people in a non-traditional way.
I did one on one as well as group healing, gave worships and lectures.
I never worked to fill my agenda with consultations to fill my bankaccount.

I met others who are on the path, yes I did, but never met someone who’s already arrived.
Why is that ? Maybe because when you reach that point all earthy matters become futile, there’s no scratch of ego left, no need to be recognized as such ? Just living and let live ? No need to let it be known ? … Maybe !

The more I let go of it all, the more I understood.
The more I questioned everything the more absurd a lot of things I see around became.

What I know now is that nobody knows anything about the big questions of life.
I mean nobody can know for sure. Not the known religions, the guru’s, the new-age teachers, …

Where do I come from ?
What am I doing here ?
What’s the purpose of my life ?
Where will I go to next ?

Many have opinions and theories about it. Some claim to know because of a spiritual moment with an inside of awakening. Others claim to be able to contact the so called ‘other side’ or ‘channel’ such and so.

Who am I, what am I ?
Who in the ‘me’ in me ?
Who’s the one behind and beyond my thoughts ?
Am I the totality of all the thought memories and feelings I think and believe I had ?

Looking from the present, and there is no other time then this moment of now, all that I think that was (is), even from the point of the time experience, all of it has no solidity, all is only a compilation of thoughts and feelings. What is then the difference with what we call the dream state ?
All your thoughts, everything you think to know starts to loose form, starts to melt as ice under the sun, including the thoughts about yourself. 

And even about many, so to speak, minor day to day questions there is much to question deeper, more, further.
Question further and further till nothing else then the Truth is left.

We all have our own personal believes that we take as truths. And as long we believe them it will be so. But is it really so ? Ask yourself the question – why do I believe this ? From where does this thinking come ? What do I base myself up on to believe this ? What are the facts to support my thinking ? And how can I verify these so called facts to see it it really is so ?

Yes, ask a lot of questions.
Question everything !

It’s maybe a lot for you, but if you desire to get more ‘enlightened’ I think it’s maybe not the only way to go but sure is a good way to start.

Do you want to become a butterfly ? to spread your wings and fly.
If so …
Be warned and be prepared for a mental and spiritual chock !
Prepare to be blown of your feet.
Be willing to be destructed by the fire to rise again, to become the phoenix.

It will blow your mind so to say, to discover that most of your believes start to fade away.
When you allow yourself to have a different approach, a different angel, to look at those things you took for granted, things you took as facts and truth, a new world opens. And yes I warn you that it can be a big rollercoaster ride with frustrations, revelations, highs and lows, and you will not see the end of it for a long long time.
It sometimes somewhat feels like shredding your skin.

Feeling empty and lost is the first result of this process, where you do not only question the world around you but also yourself, the who am I.

I read somewhere that your life here and now has nothing to do with you and everything with everyone else then you.

I read the books trilogy of ‘Spiritual enlightenment’ by Jed. Mc.Kenna quite some time ago and over the years I started to understand the message from it more and more. I do not claim, here and now, that I too got to the point of being ‘done’ but maybe I am close to it, at least that’s the impression I get. Still there are points I sometimes find difficult to combine together, to let them make sense when they seem so different in the first place.

I did dig deeper in the theory of the ‘Holographic’ nature of our so called ‘Reality’ and I assure you it’s a challenge to make it stick with a lot that we took as facts. Nevertheless by digging deeper and questioning the so called know (old) ‘facts’ it became more clear that there is more and more scientific ‘evidence’ to lean to the acceptance of this model.

I regular am asked the question “What are you with knowing this as we still feel and experience this ‘world’ and the material nature of this duality environment ?” What to answer ? I think you only can know that when you arrived at that point.
You can ignore all of this and put your head into the sand like the ostrich does or you feel a hunger to know.
And I need to say that for most of us, in our today fast living materialistic world, that would be better.
If you don’t want to go crazy for a while before seeing clear, don’t start this process.

What if everything you took for granted and everything you believed in fell apart ?

Really – What if ?

I probably didn’t read so many books in the ‘new-age’ and ‘spiritual’ section as many of you who read this now. I did read some, I also listened to audio recordings and watched videos.

Not all made sense to me at the time, some did others not, but all gave me that little something to go on my own quest, further.

The first thing is to see and recognize, only then you know what to attack and clean up.
With that someone following this path will notice that relations will start to change and a lot will fade away. There is a two way reason for that. One is that friends and other people will notice you change and become somewhat weird or lost in their opinion. The other reason is that you yourself will not feel the same connection anymore with them.

From my own situation I can say the following.
I didn’t had to clean up so much socially. I didn’t disconnect from people or the world due nor because of new insights. (some of it I still had to address)
Reflecting on my so called past I do recognize that I never really was much connected with the so called ‘normal world’ and ways of living.
I probably was more of an introvert from childhood. (I discovered some of the early sights and reason for it.)
One of it is that I spend my first 5 years in Afrika, with my parents and one sister, away from the rest of the family. When we moved to Belgium I was a stranger to the rest of the family as they were strangers to me. But on top of it I was never ever accepted as being like them and that’s also how I feel till this day.
Later in life I never had many friends nor did I like group activities or group sports.
One on one sports like tennis were rather exceptions too. I liked tennis and even got relative good in it. The reason why I could play against someone also probably came from the fact that hitting the ball against the wall, of the local supermarket when the back parking lot was clear, started to get too predictive and no more challenge. I tried a few times to play tennis double but gave up on it very quickly.
I also got into a volleyball team once but also that had a shirt life of only a few trainings.
Judo and other martial art forms I practiced would have been hard to do alone by myself as it requires an sparing partner do take the role of opponent.
Beside martial arts I engaged more in individual sports like, swimming, cycling, windsurfing, motorcycling, …

I became an observer. – To see what is and not to see what is not.

I realized that I started to question even those things I myself took as truth or believed in. I think it’s more safe to say I now see that most of it was a kind of make believe, things I wanted to be so. The good thing about most was that they were not dogma or believes that were put on to me by others. I already made my way and sifted thru a lot of BS.
Much already faded and blew up in smoke.
Then came the day that I even started to question all that was still left, that what I kept standing, not yet pushed over or blown up on the way to finding truth.

Almost nothing survived the scrutiny of the questions asked – Is this really true ? How do I know it is so ? What’s my evidence for it to be so ?

It went deep, very deep, even so that I started to question my own desires in life. Did I really wanted/desired the things I thought I did ? A lot of different aspects of live passed the stage where I was seated in front of these desires, putting a big bright light on them, as seen in those police questioning scene in a old movie, and asking them non stop questions. I didn’t give up, I wanted to go to the bottom of it, removing the dirt of falseness layer by layer to come to the core, the point where you can not reduces no more and only the revelation of truth stands and shines in that light.
It’s not only cleaning out the attic and the basement, it’s cleaning out the whole house inside and out. And what’s trowed out in the process you need to leave out.
During this process, that takes some time and a lot of energy, you also loose yourself. there are moments you don’t want to go on because you feel so lost, so empty. You came this far and so you can not stop, you have to go on. To stop would be a bigger loss then anything else. You hold on to the hope you will find out soon and that all will make sense, that you will be free.

Facing and going trough the fire, the self being cleaned by it, burning away the non self, burning away the lies to reveal only the truth, then arise anew like a phoenix.

When that moment of revelation is there, you feel even more lost and empty then ever before.

Luckily after that dark empty moment (that can take hours to days) of revelation comes the awakening.

I don’t want to sell you on this ideas and path. Nor do I say this is the right way.
And of course I don’t say it’s the wrong way one either.

If you ask yourself, “who is the I that I refer to as I, and who is the one thinking about that I”, and are willing to peruse the answer, to put aside all your believes (and religion), and open yourself for the truth to be revealed, then you made your first step to toward the exit door of the movie theater. (Allegory to ‘Plato’s cave)

Are you willing to jump of the cliff into the abyss ?

I don’t want to wonder what life I could have, would have, should have. No wonder that if I did the things I did and the things I didn’t, don’t know if that would have been better or worse. I don’t want to have regrets or be disappointed about anything I did.
And when you ask me if I had or have a hard time, if I did struggle to be where I am, if sometimes I feel like giving up, … yes I did.

Now I think to have arrived at the other side of the fence, so to say, being in a place of contentment.

An place of Co creating ‘allowness’, no needs of have to’s, not forcing something, no attachment to an outcome, no (or very little) ego involved.
I still have desires but no more ‘have to’ or ‘need to’ to feel more happy.

There is ‘letting go’ and there is ‘non attachment’, they are related but are not at all the same !
Due to the circumstances in my life I experienced what it was to be materialistic and later in life I was put in situations where the lessons of ‘letting go’ came full blast. Only by reflecting on it and to ponder on it I got to the point of knowing what ‘non attachment’ means and is.
There’s nothing wrong with having a desire, as long there is no attachment to the outcome.

There are still things I would like to do, things I desire, and that it would give me somewhat of a fulfillment in a certain way, but not anymore in the way I used to know. (and like I suppose most of people would)
It’s more like a ok if I can do that, if the opportunity arises, then great if not well then it wasn’t meant to be. And if I had the experience then that’s something more I take with me, something more I can talk about and share if that presents itself to do so.
Now I say to you, “I am not !”
[delen-email]